i can't believe you're missing this christmas. the weather has literally been 'your' weather. i walked out of the house this morning in a tea length skirt, flats, and a sleeveless top, AND I WASN'T COLD. it's insane how warm it is with christmas being three days away. erica has been filling us all with christmas cheer, but things just aren't the same without you around. i miss hearing you singing about wanting a hippopotamus for christmas and serenading us to "you're a mean one, mr. grinch" when the animated version played on television. i miss spending an extra ten minutes in the car, when returning from christmas errands, to oogle over the lights strung on houses and listen to christmas carols. every time 'celebrate me home' comes on the radio, i sing along and tears roll down my cheek. i miss you. daddy misses you. the girls miss you. joshie misses you. thomas. aunt mel. nannie. all of us. i can't even fathom what the celebration for jesus's birthday is like where you are. it must be incredible.
as you know, i'm single again for christmas this year. it's sort of nice, though. i'm not worried about finding the perfect gift for some silly boy. i've been focusing on reading my bible and preparing my heart for the birth of Christ and on spending time with the family.i haven't regained the emotional strength yet to date anyone again. someone that you liked quite a lot reappeared at the beginning of this week, and speaking to him made me realize that i've changed. i'm not the same girl i was a year ago. i don't need a boy to give me reason or validation. i'm chasing my dreams, and i'm happy and well. i've made almost all of my presents this year. i bought trevor 'chika chika boom boom' and joshie a pop-up version of peter pan that has music. i gave it to him early, since he usually gets so many presents on christmas morning. i read it to him one night, all cuddled up in your favorite chair. i even used a british accent when peter and the darling kids spoke. he loved it.
i still feel like you're going to be there on christmas morning, grinning as we open our stockings. i feel like you'll be sitting at the table with us, smothering fried dough with grape jelly and powdered sugar. i feel like you'll be there wearing your fuzzy socks, a big comfy t-shirt, and warm jammies. i still feel like you're going to be here. i've been struggling to find a gift for daddy. i just feel like nothing is right. i feel like the only thing that i could give him for christmas would be one more day, one more second with you. nothing else seems right. he lost the love of his life this year, and i just don't feel like anything i give him is going to suffice. i know he'll love whatever i do give him, but you gave him the best gift of all: over thirty years of real, true love. i promise to celebrate you this christmas. i know you wouldn't want us to be upset, and i'm going to do my best to enjoy the holiday like you would. give papa kisses for me.
love always,
jordan elizabeth
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