dear mom,
i'm sitting at rehearsal right now. this is the hardest show i've ever worked on. it makes no sense to me, and it has caused me to wonder if my love of costumes really is enough...if my heart is in it. i feel like getting into UGA was such a fantastic, exciting, humbling thing...and then this show has just started to entirely overshadow it. the director told me tonight that i should reconsider being a costume designer and just marry rich. what an awful thing to say?! you would've bitch slapped her. i'm hoping that, someday, i'm able to just look back on it knowing what it taught me, but i haven't ever worked on a show that i felt so disconnected from. i've started looking for apartments in athens. i can't believe i'm really moving seven hours from home. i'm going to miss daddy and my sissies. and joshie. please watch over them. send me a sign. remind me why i love this. i miss you more than i can describe.

love always,

jordan elizabeth 

mommy,

when the days get rough it makes me wish you were here even more. you sent beautiful weather today though! i loved it (but couldnt enjoy too much of it because i had class). anyway, im sure you watched over Andrea and Mikes beautiful wedding. what a great couple they make. keep watch over them as they enjoy all the exciting things of a married life. the rimmer's need you to watch over them as well <3 i wish we could have a mom/daughter date night and just curl up and put on a good movie. there is nothing wrong with having dreams, hopes and wishes, right? there are so many things i wish i could tell you, and see the reaction on your face when i told you <3 you know exactly what im talking about. i just cant believe that it has almost been a year, its unreal. i love you lotsly forever and always,

Bee

To my gammy

I lOve you all the way past all the planets and all the houses and all the trees and all the lakes and ponds and all the grass and all the places you can go to. I wish you were here Gammy, I love you all the way past everywhere. I wish you were here for Christmas. I'm gonna get you a sPecial gift before the day I die, it's gonna be a necklace and a ring and earrings that's NC State. I wish yOu were here very much because I love you all the way past everything in the world even heaven and the planets and the stars and everywhere yOu can go to. I love you very much I wish yOu were here and I'm gonna give you a Christmas present. I love you- I wish you were here very much. I'm starting to get sad all because you died. I wish you were here, I hope your leg feels better, I have what I wanted for Christmas but not everything. I'm trying not to be greedy, I love yOu very much and I wish you could come home to eat dinner with us and breakfast and lunch, it was really good. Somedays I have rough days, somedays my mommy and daddy have rough days, we all miss you very much. I wish you were still alive- I wish yOu were with us everyday. I'm still glad yOur in heaven because now your leg feels better- I hope your lung feels better
The End
- exact words of Joshua Smith

the spirit of christmas.

things simply arent the same without you here this christmas. i keep reminding myself that you are here in spirit, but i want more then that. i wish you could be here to add just a little more christmas joy. i wish you could be here to help me pick out a gift for the Holt's. i wish you could be here to sing silly songs with us. i wish you could be here to wake up on christmas morning (even though im 20, im still waking daddy up at like 7). i drove by duke hospital last night, and totally lost it. it hit me that christmas is right around the corner, and you wont be here with us to celebrate (or lable a few presents with the wrong names (; ) this year erica got the stuff to make a baby Jesus cake. im so excited! christmas without you is going to take A LOT of getting used to. i get to go spend time with the Holt's for new years again this year. i feel like i have my own little holiday tradition, its kinda cool. ive been curling up in your Kappa long sleeve quite a bit lately, but i forgot it in my laundry basket ): please help us to remember the true meaning of the season. oh and ps. i still cant listen to celebrate me home the whole way through.
i love you sooo much, and miss you a whole freakin lot. <3 love you lotsly hugs and kisses

dear mom,

um. erica went into dad's room nd found 'you' on the book shelf. please haunt daddy until he takes 'you' to the beach and sets you free. erica also announced that both urns were in there. i can't even stand to think about daddy being in the other one. i'm disturbed.

love always, 

jordan elizabeth

dear mom,

          i can't believe you're missing this christmas. the weather has literally been 'your' weather. i walked out of the house this morning in a tea length skirt, flats, and a sleeveless top, AND I WASN'T COLD. it's insane how warm it is with christmas being three days away. erica has been filling us all with christmas cheer, but things just aren't the same without you around. i miss hearing you singing about wanting a hippopotamus for christmas and serenading us to "you're a mean one, mr. grinch" when the animated version played on television. i miss spending an extra ten minutes in the car, when returning from christmas errands, to oogle over the lights strung on houses and listen to christmas carols. every time 'celebrate me home' comes on the radio, i sing along and tears roll down my cheek. i miss you. daddy misses you. the girls miss you. joshie misses you. thomas. aunt mel. nannie. all of us. i can't even fathom what the celebration for jesus's birthday is like where you are. it must be incredible. 

          as you know, i'm single again for christmas this year. it's sort of nice, though. i'm not worried about finding the perfect gift for some silly boy. i've been focusing on reading my bible and preparing my heart for the birth of Christ and on spending time with the family.i haven't regained the emotional strength yet to date anyone again. someone that you liked quite a lot reappeared at the beginning of this week, and speaking to him made me realize that i've changed. i'm not the same girl i was a year ago. i don't need a boy to give me reason or validation. i'm chasing my dreams, and i'm happy and well.  i've made almost all of my presents this year. i bought trevor 'chika chika boom boom' and joshie a pop-up version of peter pan that has music. i gave it to him early, since he usually gets so many presents on christmas morning. i read it to him one night, all cuddled up in your favorite chair. i even used a british accent when peter and the darling kids spoke. he loved it. 

          i still feel like you're going to be there on christmas morning, grinning as we open our stockings. i feel like you'll be sitting at the table with us, smothering fried dough with grape jelly and powdered sugar. i feel like you'll be there wearing your fuzzy socks, a big comfy t-shirt, and warm jammies. i still feel like you're going to be here. i've been struggling to find a gift for daddy. i just feel like nothing is right. i feel like the only thing that i could give him for christmas would be one more day, one more second with you. nothing else seems right. he lost the love of his life this year, and i just don't feel like anything i give him is going to suffice. i know he'll love whatever i do give him, but you gave him the best gift of all: over thirty years of real, true love. i promise to celebrate you this christmas. i know you wouldn't want us to be upset, and i'm going to do my best to enjoy the holiday like you would. give papa kisses for me.

love always,

jordan elizabeth